Fics that make you cry for Sheppard

[indusnm.livejournal.com]

Finals always put me in a depressed mood, so I'd love some recs that make you cry for Sheppard. I don't mean physical whump, but rather emotional whump. Fics where Sheppard doubts himself, or  just doesn't realize what he means to everyone.

An example: I just read Second the Best by Kat Reitz and Perryvic, and the fact that John thinks he's second best through the whole thing just gets me! Especially because in this weird way, he's the heart of the entire thing, the person who brings them together and is, despite his inability to talk about his emotions, the one who is always there for everyone. Word to the wise: that is an m/m/m slash fic, so don't click on it if you're not into that.

But if anyone can think of other fics like that, please rec them to me!

Comments

[cadencecascade.livejournal.com]

Have you read "your cowboy days are over"?

http://www.butcheredart.net/Fiction/YourCowboyDays.html

It's nice and long and it made me cry. It's considered Gen by the author. Not exactly a "secondbest" type of John, but it's oh so good.

[indusnm.livejournal.com]

Ooh, thanks! I skimmed the end and thought it would be a little too depressing, but now I'm going to take a second look!

[cadencecascade.livejournal.com]

It is angsty, and the end isn't happy as so much as plausible, because John is a protector. Give him something to protect and he's alright, kinda. If the thing he was protecting "leaves" give him something new to protect. There are also more stories in this series, at least 2 are done.

[indusnm.livejournal.com]

Ooh, interesting, I'll check it out next break from finals studying!

Thanks again!

[vikikat.livejournal.com]

It's not exactly what you asked, but always made me cry. Sheppard is lonely not self doubt.

The Body Holographic (http://www.wraithbait.com/viewstory.php?sid=7849&warning=12) by Leah and Springwoof

[indusnm.livejournal.com]

That works! Any kind of "aw Sheppard" moment ;)

[gaffsie.livejournal.com]

I don't know if these are the kind of angsty stories you want, but better safe than sorry:

Hmmm, Intimated (http://cupidsbow.livejournal.com/300497.html) by cupidsbow is more like a kick in the stomach than an actual tear-jerker, but it's definitely one of those fics where you end up wanting to hug John really hard and bake him cookies.

Never Going Home (http://community.livejournal.com/mcshep_match/40102.html) by bluflamingo is the story that has brought me closest to tears in the last six months.

God's Gonna Cut You Down (http://busaikko.livejournal.com/93155.html) by busaikko is one of those stories that hurts, and still it feels like the ending was happy, or at least happier than it could have been. Building Bombs, in comparison, just hurts, a lot (OH JOHN).

Eternity (http://kriadydragon.livejournal.com/63484.html) by kriadrygon is so sad (and still hopeful!) that I tagged it with 'so.very.sad' in delicious. ;) John is all alone, traveling through unknown galaxies with Atlantis. It's a really long read, but it's very much worth it.

An oldie but a goodie, Lost in Wauting (http://www.stickymanpress.mediawood.net/lostinwaiting.html) by Lacey McBain. I think it's safe to say that it's been jossed by know, but it still works like a very moving "what if?".

A Broader Mark for Sorrow (http://community.livejournal.com/sga_flashfic/735019.html) by thedaytheystop has a John who's all alone and trying to make due.

Huh, a very mixed bag of recs, but hopefully that means that at least one of them might hit the mark correctly. :) (http://community.livejournal.com/atlantis_9to5/3750.html)

[indusnm.livejournal.com]

Ooh, awesome. Chocolate cupcakes with sprinkles for you!

Sad for John stories

[asugar.livejournal.com]

I love that kind of story. Here are some I like (all gen or het):

It's dark and sad just to warn you, but exactly what you are looking for. In a brilliantly written Irresistible AU, Irreplaceable by kashkow, John is abandoned to die by Lucius and the Atlantis people in his sway. John is alone with his pain and thoughts for most of the story and shows his true inner math genius and solves one of the Millenium problems, if I recall correctly, specifically the Navier-Stokes equations. http://stargate-atlantis.org/fanfics/viewuser.php?uid=1140

Unmanifest Destiny is hard to recommend without spoiling but it is a story that EVERY SGA fan must read. It is that good and powerful on the subject of our team and Sheppard as both the glue that holds them together so tightly and the sun around which they all orbit. All I can say is that it a post-"Search and Rescue" AU of the team and Teyla's new baby taking a road trip on Earth. John's POV is so startlingly real that I felt little chills of recognition. You may have to read it twice so that you can truly understand it and marvel at how well it holds together once you do. (http://vain-glorious.livejournal.com/14937.html#cutid1)

"Self-Made" is a just-post Afghanistan John, when he thinks his career and world is ending. http://www.offpanel.net/dmz/sga/self-made.html

The author and I had a very interesting discussion about Unshackled (apparently not related at all to the Korean horror movie of the same name she says) on how something can be incredibly adult in its themes as this story is, without being violent, having sex, etc. This story is incredibly powerful and disturbing and you don't understand how or what happened until the very, very end. Not for children or the faint of heart. Although nothing explicit is shown of what happened, the story and the damage to John haunts me still. (http://community.livejournal.com/artword/40243.html#cutid1)

Orpheus is miss_porcupine's newest in which John is not picked as the military commander but is cast aside until the SGC needs him again. Sad with great action. Lots of character deaths. http://www.offpanel.net/dmz/sga/orpheus.html She's also done some little drabbles for characters from it. http://miss-porcupine.livejournal.com/272883.html

I dare you to read without crying the heart-wrenching Legion the Things I Would Give to Oblivion in which the Daedalus arrives to break the siege but things still go terribly, terribly wrong. John's connection with Atlantis is strongly explored as he nearly kills himself running the chair; warning for many, many major character deaths. Sheppard only survives the battle in body. O'Neill tries to pick up the pieces but there's nothing left to do.(http://www.eternalvox.net/~auburn/LegionOblivion.html)

In Self Defence Mechanism by cybersyd42, a grieving and peevish Rodney shows up at Jeannie's house for a disasterous visit after Carson's funeral. Sheppard and Ronon arrive to bring him back and end up spending the night. Jeannie can's understand John since she has no context but she has a way of seeing things that allows Sheppard and Jeannie to have some painful conversations about loss, responsibility and how ultimately John can't save all of them and the price he pays for that. It's very sad at times but worth reading just for the scene where the unable-to-sleep John, Ronon and Rodney play Madison's Cha Cha Chicken game with their usual competitiveness. http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3787706/1/

I can't describe Uncanny Valley without ruining the devastating ending which haunted me long after I finished. Suffice to say, John isn't who he or anyone else thinks. http://www.aliencorn.net/stories/uncanny.html

In necessary things, immediately after the siege ends, Rodney distracts himself and goes on a quest for music, specifically access to Kavanaugh's ipod, and begins to realize what Teyla already has, that Sheppard has not moved on from the grief and pain from those they lost and the events of the battles. http://minnow1212.livejournal.com/204661.html

Re: Sad for John stories

[indusnm.livejournal.com]

Hmm, interesting beginning. I think I'm going to be very, very depressed after getting all these recs ;)

Which is just what I'm going for, so thanks!

More recs

[asugar.livejournal.com]

John asks Lorne to do something difficult in Die Verwandlung http://www.offpanel.net/dmz/sga/verwandlung.html

Teyla never directly appears in this story but John and the reader are haunted by her throughout. This AU mystery/western begins when a child is intrigued by the mysterious stranger who rides into town six years after the end of the Wraith war and is persuaded to stay on a while and work on her father's farm. The author cleverly transplants the traditional western movie plot (the mysterious drifter coming into the small town, helping the townspeople stand up to the local villains before moving on again) into a Pegasus setting, subverting the conventions of the genre to highlight the alienness of the setting and how little John belongs. As John struggles with his past, the reader gradually realizes what has happened. The prose is beautiful and memorable with flashes of humor and tragedy, which is typical of this author. Her characterization of John, broken and grieving for who and what he has lost, rings true. Haunted by Teyla, he bonds with the girl, who reminds him a little of her. This isn't a John/Teyla story though. (http://www.aliencorn.net/stories/new.html)

Re: More recs

[indusnm.livejournal.com]

You've recced so much, I've decided to table them until after my next final (2 days). I'm sooo grateful because you're giving me wonderful reading material--so much!

Re: More recs

[asugar.livejournal.com]

I still have three more to go.... Four done.

[asugar.livejournal.com]

azurehorizon breaks me again (!) in Meridian. I don't mind because she makes it hurt so good to be ungrammatical about it. The imagery and emotions are so beautiful and the longing for what could have been is tangible. John's dying slowly and painfully and he muses on his emotions as his team begs him to ascend. While the sentimental part of me wishes John was the kind of guy who'd ascend, because I do believe he could, so that he could come back again, the rest of me recognizes that John's too honest and too much a warrior for ascension. It is the coward's way out. The author never fails to make me think, not just enjoy the story and ship, this time about death. I'm with John on this one; in the end we all die alone. (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4576914/1/Meridian)

I also like the Jenny Code (http://www.offpanel.net/dmz/sga/jenny.html) and its accompanying stories, "In Abeyance,"(http://www.offpanel.net/dmz/sga/abeyance.html) "Academic" (http://www.offpanel.net/dmz/sga/academic.html) and "Poppies in November" (http://www.offpanel.net/dmz/sga/poppies.html). Sheppard and a group of Marines are captured and tortured and Sheppard experiences his worst nightmare, losing his men. Incredible action and beautifully done.

Making a House a Home is one of my favorite stories by one of my favorite authors. Pretty much everything Wedjatqi writes is incredible and should be checked out but the writing in this story is particularly transcendent. I am moved and blown away by the author every time I read this. This is an AU Earth-set story in which the SGC is still losing the war with the Ori and the team had to destroy Atlantis with the Daedalus after saving Woolsey and General O'Neill. New Athos was completely destroyed from orbit by the Wraith while Teyla and Ronan joined the team in trying to save Atlantis from the Replicators in The Return, Part II. Ronan decides to stay in Pegasus and fight the Wraith. Teyla, who has become literally the last Athosian just as she discovers she is pregnant with Kanaan's son, chooses to come to Earth and raise her child in a world that will never know the Wraith. The others must return to the lives they were forced into when the Ancients returned and kicked them out of Atlantis, John as a team leader at the SGC, Carson in the infirmary, Rodney in Area 51. When the story opens, the distance, awkwardness, hurt and pain that entered into John and Teyla's relationship in the second half of Season 4 still exists because John reacted as badly to the news of Teyla's pregnancy in this AU as he did on the show. Despite everything still unspoken between them, John has invited Teyla and the infant Torren (who is Tagan in this story) to share a house with him so that Teyla will be allowed to live outside the Mountain. Although ostensibly they have settled into their new lives, both John and Teyla are in pain; as a result, Teyla has chronic insomnia and John becomes concerned and tries to help her sleep. The author warns at the beginning that the story is "a bit depressing and sullen." I think it is better described as a meditative and hopeful story. Wedjatqi takes John and Teyla (and the reader with them) through the sad but ultimately redemptive mourning process of accepting what they've lost, including their former closeness, Atlantis, the only place John ever felt at home, Teyla's people and the Pegasus galaxy, and healing as they come to realize what and who they still have left.The language is beautiful and incredibly evocative. Although I've made it sound terribly sad and emotional, there is much humor, particularly at a wedding of couple from SG-1, where many popular characters from both shows appear.
http://wedjatqi.livejournal.com/28033.html#cutid1

If you like that one, go check out her Light series (so good!),and her other big series (the Life, Defeat, Departure, What is lost and what is found, The Return). Everything she writes is incredible and exactly as I see both John and Teyla. She really gets to Sheppard's reserved and damaged core. Both have a lot of John emotional angst and are quite long series. http://wedjatqi.livejournal.com/28033.html#cutid1

[indusnm.livejournal.com]

Awesome, and I'm such a fan of Teyla I like fics that have her in them in a major role.

Thanks for posting!

[asugar.livejournal.com]

Leisurely From Disaster finds John on Earth discussing art and Rodney with Jeannie in the Metropolitan Museum of Art.
http://www.aliencorn.net/stories/leisurely.html

The moving and disquieting In the Quiet Hours shows the different team members late at night. This blew me away by how the author took an SGA fic convention and used it to subtly explore some of the themes present in season 5 as Stargate Atlantis comes to an end: the regrets and consequences they are experiencing for all the things they have done and failed to do since they came to Pegasus. Rodney, straightforward to the end, is the only team member seemingly unaffected, spending his time alone doing exactly how he does it in public, working away in his lab and gleefully mainlining caffeine. Teyla sits up and seeks comfort in her mental connection with her son as Kanaan obliviously sleeps on. As she longs for what could have been and who should have been beside her and meditates on how Kanaan fears and hates her and Torren's Wraith DNA, despite sharing it, the cracks and short shelf life of the relationship have never seemed clearer. Ronon's artistic soul is revealed as he explores an abandoned Ancient art gallery and is particularly drawn to a sculpture of a dying warrior, in which he ominously finds a resemblance to an expression he has seen too often on John lately. The author uses the emotional shadings that Joe Flanigan has added to his performance since the middle of season four, the hardening and ever greater emotional retreat of Sheppard as he begins to become overwhelmed and wearied by his losses, failures, regrets, ommissions and what could have been. Sheppard finds it more and more difficult to sleep and hides himself away in his secret Atlantis aerie to find comfort in the city. Moving, sad and disturbing. http://negolith2.livejournal.com/26192.html

Also John is incredibly damaged and grows more so in the incredible Ryan C. Charles series. http://doorwaysfanfic.com/
Sheppard becomes even more irreparably damaged in this dark, dark, dark series. It is more John and Teyla as best friends/life partners than romance and it will blow you away. It is super long and incredibly beautiful, evocative and moving AU world-building. Just to warn you, the first one broke me bad, truly a 10-hanky. There is John/OCF sex but it's completely non-romantic/non-emotional and he and Teyla are basically in an unacknowledged relationship with everything BUT sex/romance because John is so fucked up by everything that happens. (excuse my language but it is entirely appropriate to this AU. Part I: Momma, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Cowboys (http://www.butcheredart.net/Fiction/YourCowboyDays.html); Part II: Summerland (http://www.butcheredart.net/Fiction/Summerland.html); Part III (http://samdonne.livejournal.com/76009.html#cutid1) and IV: The Ghost Road (Even Cowgirls Get the Blues)(http://samdonne.livejournal.com/76265.html?format=light#cutid12)
Check out the dvd commentary for Part I also. (http://jinjurly.com/cowboycomment.htm)

[indusnm.livejournal.com]

Even more! This is an embarrassment of riches- thanks so much!

[asugar.livejournal.com]

The Year of The Jubilee is strange and wonderful and heartbreaking. In this AU, Elizabeth doesn't let Sheppard keep Ronon. He makes a home for himself in an abandoned mansion all alone on Sateda and earns money and food building weaponry and munitions to arm anti-Wraith factions all over Pegasus. He's almost forgotten the Lanteans when he passes by a town having a slave auction and spots a familiar uniform. He buys the Lantean, whom he recognizes as Sheppard once he gets the badly beaten and tortured man cleaned up. He takes Sheppard back to Atlantis and figures that the end of it but in fact its only the beginning. Sheppard had a slave mind control device implanted at the slave auction and he has imprinted on Ronon as his master and won't, can't be separated from Ronon. This is an incredibly Sheppard-whumparrific fic. It's both physical as the device removes his ability to care for himself and causes him to almost beat himself to death to keep from being separated from Ronon, and mental as Sheppard fights against the mind control with every fibre of his being, hating how it makes him act and how weak it makes him. The story is GEN only; the author thankfully resists the impulse to go slash and the story is incredibly more subtle and powerful because of it. Ronon cares for Sheppard as the device makes him progressively weaker and helpless. The friendship and bond that is created between these two incredibly private and damaged men is incredible as is the Ronon POV. Rodney and Teyla in particular have wonderfully strong and moving characterizations. Please check this story out. I have made it sound dark but it is also incredibly hopeful. (http://vain-glorious.livejournal.com/13885.html)

These Secretive Walls shows Sheppard from the viewpoint of Ronon from when he is first brought back to Atlantis. Ronon sees everyone and everything from a fascinating and alien viewpoint and as he tries to understand these strange people and Sheppard, the most unfathomable of all, he gleans some great insights, especially when he tries to track Sheppard through the city. In the end, neither he nor the reader knows anymore about Sheppard than he wants them to but it explains how Ronon came to trust Sheppard so completely. http://transtempts.livejournal.com/289964.html#cutid1

Guardian is about John taking on guardianship of Torren John after Teyla's disappearance/presumed death in an AU "Search and Rescue." Again, I am hoping ruby_caspar finishes this (and that Teyla turns out not to be dead. This story is heartbreaking as John grieves for Teyla and tries to figure out if he can handle raising Torren. (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4414610/1/Guardian)

[indusnm.livejournal.com]

Aside from the third one, I don't think I've read these, so I'm so grateful for the wonderful recs.

As for the third one (Guardian), I'm with you on the hoping Teyla isn't dead. I love every moment the show gives us with John, Teyla and the kid, so I can't wait to see where fanfic writers go with this.

[asugar.livejournal.com]

Me too. If you like Teyla, John and Torren and John angst, check out this (http://asugar.livejournal.com/13295.html). I made myself a list of all the fics with them. I just use my LJ mostly to keep my fic recs on; otherwise I'd never find them again.

[indusnm.livejournal.com]

Thanks, and I don;t think i've read that tearjerker!

[asugar.livejournal.com]

You must read it then. SO GOOD. (http://www.kekkai.org/synecdochic/sga/freedoms_just_another_word.html)

Freedom's Just Another Word For Nothing Left To Lose flat out BROKE me. I sobbed for hours as if my heart was broken during and after. I immediately reread it and sobbed some more. I am starting to cry again even writing this. Even reading the accompanying author's commentary (http://www.kekkai.org/synecdochic/sga/freedom-dvd.html)(which is incredible and not to be missed, I read a bunch of the stuff recommended therein), the sequel And The Band Played Hail To The Chief (http://synecdochic.livejournal.com/99159.html#cutid1) or thinking about this story makes me break into hysterical tears. It's THAT good. I despise McShep and yet I love this story and believe it is possibly the most powerful, insightful, beautiful and thoughtful SGA story ever. This is not hyperbole. The story follows Rodney for a period of many years as he teaches physics at a small and undistinguished college. At the onset, Rodney is completely trapped in his grief, shame and guilt for the loss of John, Atlantis, his innocence, his old life and much, much more than we can realize at first. It is beautifully structured and you are nearly at the end before you grasp fully everything that has happened. Sheppard never appears in this story and yet he is so present throughout. The author has some brilliant things to say about science, ethics, responsibility and war (I suspect Oppenheimer would have enjoyed this greatly if he was still alive and a SGA fan). Rodney submits John's solution to the Navier-Stokes equations Millennium Problem and creates a scholarship in John's name to teach scientists to fly. My sister and I were discussing this story the other day (Rodney in here reminds me greatly of her, i.e. the fierce intellectual curiosity for discovery's sake, the academic competitiveness, his newly and painfully acquired insight (as I would say in my day job when writing about the mentally ill (grin)) and his thoughts on science and math). We agreed that to us, the real theme of this story is that of forgiveness and grace. Rodney, over many school years, learns that forgiving yourself is much harder than forgiving others. As he repents for his sins slowly and painfully through his classes and students, he begins to forgive himself a little and heal. He can never forgive himself completely nor should he but he learns to live with what he has done, the cost of his actions, what he has lost and through this, he achieves grace. Grace in my mind being accepting your faults and sins and those of others and learning to live with them in some semblance of peace. There are incredible quotes, transcendent writing and the slash is subtle enough that I can pretend (although that it is not adds so much more to the story) that it is a brotherly love. To convince you to go read this, I will tease you with the incredibly memorable opening paragraph.

"There is a gravestone in Arlington National Cemetery. It sits watch over an empty grave, and there is a vine with small blue flowers, one the gardeners can't identify from any book, twining up its side.

It is an utterly unremarkable memorial, name and rank and dates, no different from the thousands of others save for the verse that graces its face:

Eternal Father, strong to save,
Whose arm hath bound the restless wave,
Who bidd'st the mighty ocean deep
Its own appointed limits keep;
Oh, hear us when we cry to Thee,
For those in peril on the sea.

Every year, a few more flowers bloom."

[indusnm.livejournal.com]

Oh, I HAVE read it! I just had forgotten all about it, and it was a while ago, so thanks for reccing it. And I don't think I've read the sequel.

[asugar.livejournal.com]

Sheppard's inability to accept the loss of Aiden, grieve and move on begins to damage the remaining team in sleeper. Interesting Rodney POV especially on how the author perceptively and subtly writes in that Teyla sees what is going on and gives Sheppard the comfort he needs before Rodney realizes fully what is going on. http://seperis.livejournal.com/253100.html

John also goes REALLY psycho in Last Full Measure of My Devotion after Teyla dies because of Rodney and it has a huge impact on everyone around him. Just to warn you that this one has lots of disturbing themes with rape, genocide etc and is very well written. http://community.livejournal.com/sga_flashfic/326892.html

Not the fine man you take me for is messed up John and Rodney. http://sardonicsmiley.livejournal.com/54190.html

Something More is McShep slash (which is something I do not like) but the story is so good I don't care. http://seperis.livejournal.com/273516.html#cutid1

Seven Ways John Sheppard goes home vary from the tragic to the happy. Character death. http://minnow1212.livejournal.com/157176.html#cutid1

I'm not sure I can describe Kodiak Bear's It's Always Autumn in the Old Trees of Despair (http://kodiak-bear.livejournal.com/53597.html) and its sequels, Winter (http://kodiak-bear.livejournal.com/103018.html), and Falling in Winter (http://kodiak-bear.livejournal.com/63994.html), except to say that John is taken prisoner, tortured and brainwashed and his team misunderstands leading to much emotional pain for EVERYONE. Long, sad and dark.

[indusnm.livejournal.com]

I like any genre, so the Mcshep works! Thanks for posting these.

[asugar.livejournal.com]

Have you read the classic and best SGA tearjerker fic out there, Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose?

[asugar.livejournal.com]

This is to me how to leave matters unresolved has John in what for him is living hell. Tragic. http://vain-glorious.livejournal.com/10539.html#cutid1 Sequels are http://vain-glorious.livejournal.com/12201.html and http://vain-glorious.livejournal.com/12548.html You must read all three.

Eternity by Kriadydragon made me sob at the end. Beautiful. http://kriadydragon.livejournal.com/63484.html

To Live is to fly is beautiful. John and flying. http://community.livejournal.com/sga_flashfic/728911.html

The light of compassion is CRUSHING. Much character death. http://vain-glorious.livejournal.com/18375.html

[indusnm.livejournal.com]

Thanks again!

[(Anonymous)]

"Colorado Springs" http://www.ltljverse.com/watergate/stories/colorado.htm in the Retrograde AU by ltlj. After three years in Atlantis, John finds out he won't be assigned as the military commander and he'll be left alone on Earth. There's a happy ending later in the series.

[indusnm.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I will check it out when I am done making an outline for my women's human rights law class